Daphne & Celeste - You Ugly! Lyrics

Ok! I'm a cheerleader now!

[chorus]

U.G.L.Y.

You ain't got no alibi you ugly

Eh! Hey! You ugly (x4)

I saw you walking down the street just the other day

I didn't see your damage from that far away

I should have got a clue when the kids started screaming

You walked up to me with your buck teeth a gleaming

Your hair was all frizzy and your face was a mess

I thought it was a sack but it's your favourite dress

You hurt the trees feelings and the birds all flew

I don't mean to insult you

Oh wait! Yes i do.

Your teeth are yellow, they're covered in mould

You're only fourteen you look a hundred years old

When looks were handed out you were last in line

Your face looks like where the sun don't shine

Did you fall off a building and land on your head

Or did a truck run over your face instead

There ain't no pill cos you ain't ill

You're ugly!

U.G.L.Y you ain't got no alibi you ugly eh! Hey! You ugly (x2)

What you really need is to wear a mask

And book that plastic surgeon fast - (girl)

You're scary - you're hairy i heard about you

You're the main attraction at the city zoo

You're so fat and ugly with a belly full of flab

When you wear a yellow coat people shout out cab

(so funny)

You got eyes like a pig and your nose is big

And with hair like that you should be wearing a wig

Uncle fester remember him? I never knew that you had a twin

You can't disguise your googly eyes

In the miss ugly pageant you win first prize

Yo mama says you ugly -

You ugly!

U.G.L.Y you ain't got no alibi you ugly eh! Hey! You ugly (x2)

Get busy (x9)

Yo mama says your ugly

Get busy

Yo mama says your ugly

Get busy

Yo mama says your ugly

Get busy your ugly!

U.u.u.u.

Now i feel like blondie

U.G.L.Y you ain't got no alibi you ugly eh! Hey! You ugly (x2)

Quasimodo / camel breath / squarehead / ugly!

Chicken legs / pig face / chin like bubba / ugly!

Fish lips / toad licker / poindexter / ugly!

Spaghetti arms / limp butt / freak show -ugly!

U.G.L.Y you ain't got no alibi you ugly eh! Hey! You ugly

U.G.L.Y - you could make an onion cry

U.G.L.Y - like an alien chased by the FBI.

U.G.L.Y (x6)

U.G.L.Y you ain't got no alibi you ugly!

Daphne & Celeste Do It Again - You Ugly!

Can you believe it? My two favourite talentless, manufactured bimbos, Daphne & Celeste have released another song!!! Who'd have though that their record company would've stuck by them this long? Anyway, they're planning to storm back into the charts with their new number called "You UGLY".

Hmm, do I detect an emerging pattern here? Their last song was pretty much about throwing insults out to people less beautiful that themselves (and please note the heavy irony!). And now, not three months later, here they are again being heavier on the offensive slurs, lighter on the subtlety and just as clever with the well rounded backing track.

It's An Outrage!!

They are clearly the Devil's own creation and we should do all in our collective power to rid the pop world of their awful, excruciating drivel.

They also have a plan for success based on the fact that one of them is blonde (surely that's ginger..?) and one is brunette, plus one has boobs and the other has a good bum. Thus they are catering for all tastes. I don't know about you, that sounds more like a porn star's credentials to me...no mention of talent or hard work either I notice!

Dear Lord - who will save us...?

For their new lyrics and an insight to their latest musical genius, click here

Missed my kind words about their first single? Then click here

Bad Heroin

Health workers and police in both Glasgow and Dublin are alarmed and concerned about a mystery illness that is killing heroin addicts in their cities. The deaths are not overdoses, and it seems increasingly likely that the heroin on the streets has been badly contaminated. The authorities are working flat out to discover the nature and source of the problem, as so far almost 25 lives have been lost.

Hang on a minute, am I the only one to ask "What's the big rush?". From where I'm sitting (admittedly, in my non addicted state) this seems like a superb development.

In one fell swoop it could tackle two of society's major problems at once; that of removing druggies and drug related crimes from our streets, and dissuading non-users from trying the stuff in the first place. If the underlying problem is discovered, and a workaround made public, this plan will be totally ruined!!

Did I say plan? Am I asserting that this is a predetermined, man made set of actions? If not, it bloody well ought to have been. Keith Halliwell, the Government's drug tsar, should have been given a medal... if of course he'd had anything to do with it, which under absolutely no circumstances am I suggesting he did. At all.

Nevertheless, It's An Outrage!! that public money should be spent on trying to sort this out. I say, leave the junkies to be hoisted by their own petard. After all, they now have a really good reason to quit. I mean, Cold Turkey or death? I reckon that's a fairly easy choice...

Zimbabwe Cricket Team on Tour

How can they be welcomed into this country to play us at cricket when some expats (and both black and white Zimbabweans) are being driven off their farms, robbed and murdered? Not only does their president condone this action, he will no doubt start to seize their land for the Government soon.

Of course Mugabe may try to persuade them to stop if the UK gives him billions of pounds in aid (WHAT FOR?! but just watch our Government do it!), though it will probably be too late for most farmers by then.

It's An Outrage!!

Incidentally, Mugabe probably hails from Yorkshire, as spelt backwards it becomes "E Ba Gum".

Credit Cards and Experian

I realise that finance institutions have to ascertain if they are taking a risk when borrowing money etc. But when they take notice of items which are recorded at the Credit Reference Agencies (who I call Big Brother) which happened 5 years ago is OUTRAGEOUS!

How can your financial position be the same as it was five years ago? Everyone makes mistakes and in most cases, there is no negotiation, its just "Oooh Experian say that you had some arrears in 1996 so you MUST be a bad payer!!!!". These financial institutions are letting another company dictate their business practice.

Why can't each case be taken on its own merits? After all, most of us have had financial problems at one time or another unless we were born with the proverbial silver spoon!!! But these companies just are so blinked in their attitude it makes me fume.

It's An Outrage!!

It's time in this country that people who have had problems in the past were not treated like 2nd class citizens; after all, we've all heard of the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act! Just because you were late paying something in the past or had financial problems, does not mean you are a criminal!

Credit Cards & Hotels

Why is it that if you have not got a credit card, you are treated as a 2nd class citizen by this country's so called 'hotels' and I use that term in its widest sense. When staying at hotels on business, you are asked to produce your credit card on checking in, if you haven't got one, they look down their nose at you! So, in this society of "credit, credit, credit everywhere and no cash to be seen", because you are sensible and pay by cash and therefore don't wish to pay interest on everything you purchase it is deemed that you cannot use the minibar, you cannot order room service, they have to see the 'readies' in advance, you have to have armed guard to the bar, ooh got carried away there - but I ask you!!

It's An Outrage!!

Hollywood is Rewriting World War II

Two new films are due for release this year from major Hollywood studios, both based around aspects of the Second World War. The first is U-571 and concerns the capture of the Enigma coding device from a German U-boat. The second deals with the infamous Colditz castle and the many escape attempts that were made by prisoners there.
The all American casts of these films will be headed by Ben Affleck and Tom Cruise, respectively.

The only problem with these films? Well, the Enigma device was captured by the British Royal Navy before the US even joined WWII; and whilst a very small number of American troops were actually incarcerated at Colditz, not one of them ever made a successful escape attempt - unlike 109 of their British counterparts.

Now I realise that the movie industry is all about entertainment, and that most of the stuff we see on the silver screen is completely made up, but using real life events and twisting the very fabric of them is a very dangerous thing to do. A lot of our younger generations will see this film not as a 'dramatised homage to all those involved in the war', but as a factual representation of what actually happened. This on the heels of Saving Private Ryan prophesises a distressing trend.

It's An Outrage!!

It's a well known fact that students who read Romeo & Juliet don't understand it as well as those who watch a play or film of it; we all find it easier to absorb visual information. As such, Hollywood should have a moral obligation to present accurate facts and not altered realities. In twenty years from now, when the last of our WWII veterans have died, it's highly likely that all teenagers will think that America won the war single handedly and that Britain played no part in it. The U-571 website even shows only German and US submarines!

Whilst no-one can deny that the involvement of the US played a vital part in bringing the war to an end, it was Britain and her allies who contributed - and lost - the most in that conflict.

Could it be that the only other wars the US have been involved with don't serve to paint the heroic national image they value so highly? John Wayne was the first to portray the US WWII effort in a very positive light, but at least his films concentrated solely on real, actual US conflicts. Additionally, they were balanced by a high British output celebrating our involvement.

Unfortunately, it now seems that only Hollywood has the money to make movies, and with money comes power; the power to alter the world's perception about our own past.

Something needs to be done about this, instead we sit idly by and let it happen. Can you imagine the American's outcry if the British film industry had made Apollo 13 with Hugh Grant in the lead role? Wouldn't have been allowed.

If we allow this to continue, can we look forward to copies of the Dambusters being outlawed as heresy within our lifetime?

Anti-Capitalists Deface Cenotaph

The May Day demonstration by the Anti-Capitalism movement was supposed to be a peaceful one against the 'evils of global capitalism'. It ended up as a riot.

I support anybody's right to demonstrate against anything they see fit to choose - after all, that's what living in a democracy is all about. And if they want to plant flowers and trees in large tracts of London's grassy areas, so be it - it might actually be an improvement. But when a small group of thugs and mindless yobs hijack it and turn it into a violent conflict, that's something else.

And when they choose to express this violence and senseless aggression against two of this nation's most important monuments, they go lower than anyone though possible.

Spraypainting obscene and disrespectful graffiti on both Churchill's statue and the Cenotaph are simply beneath contempt.

It's An Outrage!!

Churchill's statue and the Cenotaph do not glorify war, as some of the graffiti stated - they commemorate the leadership of one man, and the bravery and sacrifice of the thousands of others who gave their lives to protect this country and Europe from the oppressive jackboot of a tyrannical dictator. Had it not been for these sacrifices, the demonstrators would not even been allowed to gather in groups of more than 3, let alone tear up the heart of our capital city.

They don't like capitalism? Then perhaps they should f*** off to a truly non-capitalist society, like China or South America. Oppressive regimes? Rampant inflation? Dissidents in jail? Police hit squads roaming the streets? Bread that costs more than you earn? A short dose of these things might make them a little less enthusiastic about any other style of government. Of course, they could still protest if they wanted to; Tianenmen Square anybody...?

St George's Day - did you miss it?

April 23rd was St George's Day; y'know, patron saint of England and all that? Slew a dragon? Well, you'd be forgiven for missing it, as it came and went without the slightest hint of patriotism in the national TV schedules. Worst of all, it was a Sunday which is not the heaviest ratings day, now is it? We could have been treated to something with a little Englishness about it. For example;

• a biography of Churchill/Nelson/Monty/Guiness/Olivier/Caine/etc, etc, etc...

• a screening of the '66 World Cup

• a Top 100 Defining English Moments (not hosted by Graham Norton of course...)

• any of the hundreds of Ealing/Pinewood films from over the years

• a history of how England has changed over the last 20/50/100 years

• perhaps even a documentary investigating the history of the man himself

It's An Outrage!!

Not even quirky Channel 4 could pull something together to celebrate the country's national day. What a shame.

I know we live in a multicultural society, but are we now afraid of our national identity? No matter who you are there's something to be said for at least recognising the defining moments and qualities of the country you live in. Can you imagine America without the 4th of July...?