Stupid Astrological Marriage Query

In the Daily Express newspaper every Saturday there's an advice column run by an astrologist called Claire.

Mostly the people who write in are your normal, everyday run of the mill idiots who believe in this sort of nonsense and ask mindless questions like "My hairdresser is an Aquarian, and I'm a Scorpio with Mars rising, so should I have highlights or just a cut and blow dry?", or "My foot is on fire, when would be the best time for me to call for an ambulance given the current phase of the Moon against Sagittarius?"

But every now and again you get a real corker, like this one (taken word for word, I kid you not!);

Dear Claire
I have been married for two months and love my wife very much. She is a great girl in every way.
But she is a vegetarian. I am not, and she refuses to cook meat meals.
This is getting me down as my mother is a great cook and I miss her steak pies and mixed grills. What can I do?
I am a Taurean born May 14 1971, and my wife is a Pisces born on March 12 1972.
David

It's An Outrage!!

I almost don't know where to start, but the most obvious question has to be;

What the hell did you talk about before deciding to get married?

Her vegetarianism never came up once? Not even when you took her to meet your mother and she cooked half a pig on a stick for lunch? (You did take her to meet your mother didn't you...? Doh!)

Your love of meat and meat related foodstuffs was simply skimmed over was it, mumbled under your breath just as Emmerdale started?

During your courtship, did you ever actually eat together, even sandwiches from a corner shop? "Bacon, sausage and egg do you my love?" says he. "No thanks, I'll have a cheese salad" says she. That would have been one clue!

And are you such a momma's boy that you can't either cook for yourself, or pop round to see your old mum and get her to knock you up a pie of some sort? You sound like a real wuss to me.

Especially if you think this has anything to do with your time of birth and the vague position of stars in the vast universe that had probably been dead for millenia before you were even conceived.

They are simply hydrogen burning furnaces, just like our own sun. Huge, chemical reactors whose only effect on inhabitants of planets is to warm them up and stop them freezing to death.

To David I would say, get a grip, get a griddle, and next time you pick a girl to marry, try not to use a catalogue!!

(Don't you just love it when people start to describe their partners by saying "I love my wife/husband very much. She/he is a great girl/guy in every way." You just know there's a huge but due in the very next sentence! Of course, I love my girlfriend very much, she's a great girl in every way....)