Stupid Astrological Marriage Query

In the Daily Express newspaper every Saturday there's an advice column run by an astrologist called Claire.

Mostly the people who write in are your normal, everyday run of the mill idiots who believe in this sort of nonsense and ask mindless questions like "My hairdresser is an Aquarian, and I'm a Scorpio with Mars rising, so should I have highlights or just a cut and blow dry?", or "My foot is on fire, when would be the best time for me to call for an ambulance given the current phase of the Moon against Sagittarius?"

But every now and again you get a real corker, like this one (taken word for word, I kid you not!);

Dear Claire
I have been married for two months and love my wife very much. She is a great girl in every way.
But she is a vegetarian. I am not, and she refuses to cook meat meals.
This is getting me down as my mother is a great cook and I miss her steak pies and mixed grills. What can I do?
I am a Taurean born May 14 1971, and my wife is a Pisces born on March 12 1972.
David

It's An Outrage!!

I almost don't know where to start, but the most obvious question has to be;

What the hell did you talk about before deciding to get married?

Her vegetarianism never came up once? Not even when you took her to meet your mother and she cooked half a pig on a stick for lunch? (You did take her to meet your mother didn't you...? Doh!)

Your love of meat and meat related foodstuffs was simply skimmed over was it, mumbled under your breath just as Emmerdale started?

During your courtship, did you ever actually eat together, even sandwiches from a corner shop? "Bacon, sausage and egg do you my love?" says he. "No thanks, I'll have a cheese salad" says she. That would have been one clue!

And are you such a momma's boy that you can't either cook for yourself, or pop round to see your old mum and get her to knock you up a pie of some sort? You sound like a real wuss to me.

Especially if you think this has anything to do with your time of birth and the vague position of stars in the vast universe that had probably been dead for millenia before you were even conceived.

They are simply hydrogen burning furnaces, just like our own sun. Huge, chemical reactors whose only effect on inhabitants of planets is to warm them up and stop them freezing to death.

To David I would say, get a grip, get a griddle, and next time you pick a girl to marry, try not to use a catalogue!!

(Don't you just love it when people start to describe their partners by saying "I love my wife/husband very much. She/he is a great girl/guy in every way." You just know there's a huge but due in the very next sentence! Of course, I love my girlfriend very much, she's a great girl in every way....)

Hong Kong Doctor Cleared of Misconduct

Hong Kong surgeon Dr Tung Hiu-ming has been cleared by the Medical Council of any professional misconduct after taking a phone call and discussing buying a new car whilst in the middle of an operation.

Dr Tung took the call as he performed a keyhole colon operation on a taxi driver. The driver, who was conscious at the time and heard the conversation, lodged a complaint after his colon was pierced and he had to undergo further surgery. He recounted at a disciplinary hearing how Dr Tung has discussed a BMW for sale with a caller in a conversation that lasted for several minutes. The original hearing found Dr Tung guilty of serious misconduct (as they bloody well should) and he was banned from promotion and pay rises for five years. The Medical Council findings have now overturned this ruling.

Dr Tung's defence rested on the fact that he had answered his hands-free phone 'accidentally' and that he had immediately told the caller that he was busy and finished the call. The Medical Council dismissed the complainant's case as unreliable because, though conscious, he was nevertheless sedated at the time.

Exactly how do you answer a phone 'accidentally', and why was it not considered relevant that the phone company's records showed the call lasted 15 mins? Yes that's right ... 15 mins! How long does it take to say, "Sorry I'm busy right now inside a man's stomach, I'll have to call you back later"?

Frankly,

It's An Outrage!!

I have been to HK hospitals for the birth of my two sons and there are signs absolutely everywhere asking visitors to switch off mobile phones because they interfere with sensitive medical equipment. Dr Tung presumably knew this, and presumably the operating theatre was full of 'sensitive medical equipment', so why wasn't his phone turned off?

The Medical Council have made an utter mockery of this case, showing their total lack of impartiality, protecting their own against what was disgraceful and unprofessional behaviour by one of their surgeons.

Teachers Want 35 Hour Week

Teachers in England and Wales are expected to vote for industrial action on Monday unless the government begins moves towards a 35-hour week.

The unions are all demanding a maximum working week of 35 hours, maximum classroom time of 22.5 hours and a salary structure which would allow most teachers to reach a wage of £35,000.

The Government's Education Secretary, David Blunkett, has said the public was unlikely to sympathise with teachers wanting to work a 35-hour week when they got such long holidays.

It's An Outrage!!

Damn right we'd unlikely to sympathise!!

Teachers in England get the following holidays;

• 1 week in February (Half Term)
  

• 2 weeks at Easter
  
• 1 week in May (Spring bank Holiday)
  
• 6 weeks in Summer
  
• 1 week in October (Half Term)
  
• 2 weeks at Christmas
  

• this equates to 13 weeks of holidays!!

So, with most other workers getting 4 weeks of holiday across the WHOLE YEAR, they are already 9 weeks up on the rest of us.

And, doing a quick bit of maths, a 35 hour week means 7 hours per day, which means starting at 08:30 and finishing at 15:30.

Isn't that exactly the length of the children's school day? And isn't it 1.5 hours less than office workers? And when will they do their marking, lesson preparation, extra-curricular activity?

Stretching my maths skills to their limit (it has been after all, over a dozen years since I left school!), you get the following;

• 52 weeks minus 13 weeks of holidays = 39 weeks at work
  

• 39 weeks of 35 hours = 1365 hours at work per year
  
• £35,000 across 1365 hours = £25.64 per hour at work

Now that seems like a mighty fine hourly rate to me!!

Unions say that some teachers are already doing 50 hour weeks, and that this will combat that problem. I say, rubbish. My working week is 37.5 hours a week, but I almost never do that few hours. Just like most other people I know, I do the hours that the job dictates.

I have every symathy for teachers who have to deal with disruptive, unruly, dangerous children, but that's one of the hazards of the profession and they know that before they go into it. Teaching is a vocation, and not just a job.

Do it right, or don't do it at all.

(My dad's fully in favour of a 35 hour week for teachers though - he says anything to increase the number of hours they currently work must be a good thing...)

Eagle Star Screw Me For Car Insurance

Eagle Star Insurance used to insure both my car and my partner's car, right up until last month.

That's when they issued a renewal notice as it was due to run out, and whacked it up by 35% over the previous year - a huge £246!!

And all because I'd made my third claim within a five year period.

Ah well, I hear you say, you're a crap driver and therefore must pay the penalty. If only that were the case. The incidents were;

• Aug 1999 - I ran into the back of a truck on a roundabout (I didn't expect him to stop to let a car cross in front of him, but that was clearly my fault.)

• Nov 2000 - whilst pursuing a criminal, a marked police patrol car backed into the side of the car whilst I was stationary outside my house, with my lights on, and after I'd sounded the horn to let him know where I was. Pretty much NOT my fault!

• Jan 2001 - a greedy fox with a mouthful of pheasant ran out in front of me on a long, straight country road at midnight. Oops! Two dead animals for the price of one smashed bumper.

So, even taking into consideration that only 1 out of 3 of these was really anything to do with my bad driving, I was penalised. Apparently that's the rule - 3 incidents in 5 years and your premium leaps upwards.

It's An Outrage!!

There seems to be no flexibility or adaptability in the way insurance is calculated by Eagle Star.

Still, I did what every consumer should, and took my business to a competitor.

Drunk Driver Sues Employer

A judge in Canada has awarded $200,000 in damages to a woman who crashed her car while driving home drunk from an office party.

The judge found Linda Hunt's employers partly responsible for allowing her to drive in an unfit state because the party she attended had taken place during company time. Since the crash, the woman has been unable to work because of her injuries.

Campaigners against drink-driving welcomed the compensation, saying it sent an important message that alcohol in the workplace should not be allowed.

Employers said it could affect Christmas office parties across Canada.

Normal people however, like you and me, say;

It's An Outrage!!

Followed closely by "For Christ's sake, get a grip!!"

This woman poured her own drinks down her own throat under her own free will, then of her own violation tried to drive home. Her employers had nothing to do with it!

Does this mean every time I go out and drink until I throw up in a taxi that I can sue my employers for working me hard in the week, giving me two days off and then putting money in my pocket?!

Or would that be the barman's fault for not stopping me, or the brewer's fault for supplying too many bottles to the pub in the first place, or for making drinks with alcohol in them, or....you get my drift!

Regular visitors to this site will know how I feel about holding other people responsible for your own misfortunes, and this is just another one in the long line.

Trust me, I've seen the future - in ten years nothing will be your own fault, and we'll be genetically engineering low-IQ clones to walk the streets and take the blame for everything.

Of course, the scientists will have to work pretty hard to drop the clones' IQ below that of the people forcing us down this path.

What we ought to be doing is making clones that will hunt these idiots down and club them to death with their own legislation. Before it's too late!!

Royles Cleaned Up for US TV

The hit British comedy, The Royles, is to be cleaned up when it is re-made for US TV later this year. The new American version of the show will be a toned-down version of the uncouth comedy that features a northern family sitting around the television, eating junk food, smoking and swearing.

In fact The Kennedys, as it will be called, will feature no swearing and only minimum smoking.

The head writer of the pilot show for the CBS network, Maya Forbes, stated that the network would like the family to be very much like the British one, but that they have a few restrictions.

"You can't even say 'Jesus Christ!' on American network TV," she added. "There's smoking only if one of the characters makes a responsible comment about how bad it is, so we'll have to rely on junk food."

Ms Forbes has also not yet thought of a replacement for the lead character Jim's "my arse" catchphrase. "It's difficult to find something with bite that you can actually say".

It's An Outrage!!

How can US TV justify sanitising a programme like The Royles and purging all the stuff that makes it so funny, yet at the same time can produce and broadcast such brilliance as The Sopranos?

This Mob-family drama has bucketloads of sex, violence and bad language all in glorious, explicit detail. Yet a layabout slob can't say "my arse"??!

And who are they trying to protect by expunging the swearing and smoking? The gun-toting, crack-smoking, gang-running youth of their country? The same ones that run around shooting up their own schools?

Perhaps US TV should take a wider look at it's responsibilities and the positive part it could play in educating America's young minds.

A good start would be to try broadcasting something worth watching, instead of ripping the heart, soul and guts out of every sitcom they touch. The Royles without cussing and tabs?? I think I'd rather be out popping a cap in someone's ass...probably a Fox Network Executive's!!

The Sopranos Sued by Italian Group

An Italian-American organisation is suing the makers of drama series The Sopranos, claiming the show wrongly portrays the community as mobsters.

The Chicago-based American Italian Defense (sic) Association wants a jury to declare that the mob series offends the dignity of Italian-Americans.

The group is suing Time Warner Entertainment under the "individual dignity" clause of the Illinois constitution.

Broadcaster HBO said the company was "very proud" of the series. "We're hardly alone in our assessment that the show is an extraordinary artistic achievement," a spokesperson said.

But the group's attorney Enrico Mirabelli said: "This is like no family I know. I don't know Italian mothers, ever, who try to have their son killed. That's not realistic."

The association claims the series "suggests criminality is in the blood or in the genes of Italian Americans and that Italians as early immigrants to this country had little opportunity other than to turn to crime".

Last year, producers cancelled plans to film at a university in New Jersey after complaints from staff and students over its portrayal of Italian-Americans.

However, the programme continues to be a huge success, and last year was nominated for 18 Emmy Awards. The first episode of the third series drew 11 million viewers when it was shown on HBO. The series is shown in the UK on Channel 4.

I'm a huge fan of The Sopranos, and love every episode, but 'mannagge'! This is crazy!! IT'S A TV SHOW!!!!!!

It's An Outrage!!

By this group's reckoning, does that make all Seattle psychiatrist's crap at relationships? Or that all Boston lawyers are thin and neurotic? I don't think so.

The Sopranos simply depicts one set of American-Italians who are mobsters, and includes many others who are not (e.g., a restauranteur, two psychiatrists, a doctor, a painting contractor, a priest, a retirement community manager, a couple of teachers, three FBI agents, and so on...).

The reason we watch it is because it gives us a glimpse into the sexy, dangerous and yes glamorous lives of extraordinary people. If it was just about dreary, fatuous, two dimensional characters leading tedious, tiresome existences, it would be called EastEnders, and 20 million people would watch it.

And therein lies the biggest injustice of all...