Bonkers Conkers

I reported some time ago about schools banning the game of Musical Chairs for being too violent. (go here for that Outrage!)

Well, I can proudly tell you that that has now been beaten hands down for stupidity.

Keele University has undertaken a study of Primary Schools in Britain which shows that some have banned the age-old game of Conkers for fear of being sued by the parents of injured children.

Furthermore, some schools have banned playground football for it's anti-social tendencies (like teamwork, cooperation and organisation, not to mention exercise, coordination and dexterity...), and one was even reported as having outlawed skipping after, and I quote, "some girls fell down".

It's An Outrage!!

Conkers and skipping are games that every child should have the opportunity to play. Conkers is like golf, in that it evens the playing field - all you need is a good conker and you're a winner - even if you're small and weedy and have asthma. It pays no heed to the size of player - it's all about your skill, and how hard your conker is (oo-er!).

Also, I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but our national football team is completely pants - though I'm sure stopping kids playing it at school is just how France, Italy and Brazil go about nurturing their talent. The FA must be so proud...

And as for banning skipping because "some girls fell down" - isn't that what childhood is all about? Falling down, getting scrapes, grazes and bruises?? Perhaps we should make all skipping surfaces out of feathers in future, or insist on some sort of protective padding for the skippers.

Or perhaps we could all just get a grip. Don't schools have better things to do than this - like teach children stuff? Sums, writing, joined up speaking - that sort of thing.

Or are we supposed to find it reassuring that whilst our future generations will grow up illiterate, enumerate, lacking in social skills, fat, lazy and introverted, at least their knees will never have known the cruel sting of cold Germolene or the harsh tear of Elastoplast??

Somehow, that just doesn't do it for me...

Bad Drivers & Bad Pedestrians

I'm surprised it's taken me this long to post an entry on this subject, given that I drive about 70 miles a day, but my feelings of outrage at these particular types of people have only just formed and clarified over the last few weeks.

I wouldn't be as arrogant or foolish enough to say "I'm a better driver than most everybody else", although I did pass my Advanced Driving test at the first attempt a few years ago. Then again, I've been driving 12 years and had 3 accidents, so maybe that balances things up?

Anyway, I see a lot of gimps on the road who clearly shouldn't be in charge of a teapot, never mind tonnes of steel and glass and highly combustible fuel.

My particular hates are as follows, in no particular order and with no particular reason either;

DRIVERS WHO;

• use front and/or rear fog lights in the rain/day/1000 yard visibility (they're called FOG lights for a fecking reason!)
  

• hog the middle lane on the motorway because there's a lorry in the inside lane 3 miles up ahead (the tarmac on the inside lane is just as good quality as the other two, and did you ever learn an overtaking maneuver?)
  
• and following from that, don't pull in from the middle of the lane when I want to overtake
  
• don't indicate on roundabouts
  
• don't indicate EVER
  
• in 10,000 space car parks have to get the first one they come across, even if it's less than two feet from the entrance and it means holding everyone else up whilst they back into it seven or eight times
  
• pull out in front of me from a side road with a screech of tyres, then drive ten miles an hour slower than me, only to turn left 10 yards down the road
  
• park badly, so the space next to/in front of/behind them is just too small for me to get in
  
• sit so close to the wheel they can't possibly steer properly
  
• could slow down slightly to let me turn across the flow of traffic, but just don't
  
• could slow down slightly to let me turn into the flow of traffic, but just don't

PEDESTRIANS WHO;

• try to cross the road within sight of a zebra crossing
  

• can't make their minds up whether they're going to cross or not, and bob on and off the kerb
  
• walk behind me in car parks, through the space I'm reversing into
  
• press the button on pelican crossings, then nip across the road, leaving the lights to turn red and hold up the traffic with no-one waiting to cross

So, basically what I'm saying is that everybody should get out of my way or better still stay at home and leave the roads to me. After all, I'm a better driver than the rest of you...

By the way - I'm driving the white Rover with the blood stains on it.

Too Much Censorship

Thanks to my brother, I've listened to and become quite a fan of the rapper Eminem.

His lyrics are often explicit and use violent phrases and images, although in just as many tracks he shows either his 'softer' side, or that his hard-core image is somewhat of a front.

Naturally, some of the words he uses are bleeped out of radio edits and on music channels like MTV and The Box, and I can understand this. Recently though, I've noticed a worrying trend to bleep out almost everything.

Take for example his latest release, Stan. It tells the story of an obsessive fan who writes repeatedly to Eminem telling how much he worships the star and how he identifies with him. As time passes and he receives no reply, he sinks deeper into madness, deluded that Eminem is ignoring him, and taking inspiration for his own actions from the rapper's music. Finally, he drives his car off a bridge with his pregnant girlfriend tied up in the trunk, killing them all.

The irony is, Eminem did get Stan's letters but has just been too busy to reply. When he does get round to it, he's asking Stan why he's so mad, and urges his to take care of himself and his girlfriend. He warns that some people do the most horrible things, like driving cars off a bridge with their pregnant girlfriends in the trunk. It's only then that he realises it's too late for a reply...

To me this is a great song and highlights that what Eminem says and does are two very different things, and we shouldn't belive everything on his albums.

On the radio or TV, words like S**t and F**k and Bi*ch are missed out, which is quite right - they are offensive to most people, especially when used 'gratuitously'.

But what about Ass? Is that really so bad? And the line in the song that goes "I'm doing ** on the freeway", where the bleeped word is 90? Will hearing this really encourage kids to drive too fast?

Also, try this for size; "Sometimes I *** myself just to see how much I *****, like adrenaline the ***is such a sudden **** to me" (Insert Cut, Bleed, Pain and Rush). Without this, you don't understand what a looper Stan is becoming. And let's face it, depressed kids who want to *** themselves will do it anyway.

Some edits I've heard miss out the whole reference to Stan's girlfriend being in the trunk, which kind of spoils the whole premise, especially as Eminem directly refers to it in the last verse.

But it goes further - I've noticed that logos and slogans on clothes are being blurred out now, not because they're offensive (which I'd agree with), but because they are brand names. Like Ad*das and N*ke and Chi*ago Bu*ls, and damaging stuff like that. Crazy!

It's An Outrage!!

We can't - and I don't believe we should - protect everyone from everything that they may find offensive in some way, and certainly not when it comes to children.

There's a whole big bad world out there that we're keeping a secret from them. Absolutely bleep out swearing on the radio, but a logo on a shirt? How's that going to help?!

To close on this one, let me go back to Eminem. A lot of people complain that his music promotes violence towards women, because two of his album tracks depict him killing his cheating wife and her lover. Women's groups in Canada tried to get him banned from the country.

I bet they'd let Tom Jones in though, and I bet they'd sing along at the top of their lungs to his timeless hits;Pussycat, Green Green Grass of Home, and Delilah.

Hmm, Delilah.... isn't that the one about Tom's lover cheating on him and their confrontation? The one that goes "I felt the knife in my hand, and she laughed no more".....?

Though so. D'ya see the irony now?