Bonkers Conkers

I reported some time ago about schools banning the game of Musical Chairs for being too violent. (go here for that Outrage!)

Well, I can proudly tell you that that has now been beaten hands down for stupidity.

Keele University has undertaken a study of Primary Schools in Britain which shows that some have banned the age-old game of Conkers for fear of being sued by the parents of injured children.

Furthermore, some schools have banned playground football for it's anti-social tendencies (like teamwork, cooperation and organisation, not to mention exercise, coordination and dexterity...), and one was even reported as having outlawed skipping after, and I quote, "some girls fell down".

It's An Outrage!!

Conkers and skipping are games that every child should have the opportunity to play. Conkers is like golf, in that it evens the playing field - all you need is a good conker and you're a winner - even if you're small and weedy and have asthma. It pays no heed to the size of player - it's all about your skill, and how hard your conker is (oo-er!).

Also, I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but our national football team is completely pants - though I'm sure stopping kids playing it at school is just how France, Italy and Brazil go about nurturing their talent. The FA must be so proud...

And as for banning skipping because "some girls fell down" - isn't that what childhood is all about? Falling down, getting scrapes, grazes and bruises?? Perhaps we should make all skipping surfaces out of feathers in future, or insist on some sort of protective padding for the skippers.

Or perhaps we could all just get a grip. Don't schools have better things to do than this - like teach children stuff? Sums, writing, joined up speaking - that sort of thing.

Or are we supposed to find it reassuring that whilst our future generations will grow up illiterate, enumerate, lacking in social skills, fat, lazy and introverted, at least their knees will never have known the cruel sting of cold Germolene or the harsh tear of Elastoplast??

Somehow, that just doesn't do it for me...

Bad Drivers & Bad Pedestrians

I'm surprised it's taken me this long to post an entry on this subject, given that I drive about 70 miles a day, but my feelings of outrage at these particular types of people have only just formed and clarified over the last few weeks.

I wouldn't be as arrogant or foolish enough to say "I'm a better driver than most everybody else", although I did pass my Advanced Driving test at the first attempt a few years ago. Then again, I've been driving 12 years and had 3 accidents, so maybe that balances things up?

Anyway, I see a lot of gimps on the road who clearly shouldn't be in charge of a teapot, never mind tonnes of steel and glass and highly combustible fuel.

My particular hates are as follows, in no particular order and with no particular reason either;

DRIVERS WHO;

• use front and/or rear fog lights in the rain/day/1000 yard visibility (they're called FOG lights for a fecking reason!)
  

• hog the middle lane on the motorway because there's a lorry in the inside lane 3 miles up ahead (the tarmac on the inside lane is just as good quality as the other two, and did you ever learn an overtaking maneuver?)
  
• and following from that, don't pull in from the middle of the lane when I want to overtake
  
• don't indicate on roundabouts
  
• don't indicate EVER
  
• in 10,000 space car parks have to get the first one they come across, even if it's less than two feet from the entrance and it means holding everyone else up whilst they back into it seven or eight times
  
• pull out in front of me from a side road with a screech of tyres, then drive ten miles an hour slower than me, only to turn left 10 yards down the road
  
• park badly, so the space next to/in front of/behind them is just too small for me to get in
  
• sit so close to the wheel they can't possibly steer properly
  
• could slow down slightly to let me turn across the flow of traffic, but just don't
  
• could slow down slightly to let me turn into the flow of traffic, but just don't

PEDESTRIANS WHO;

• try to cross the road within sight of a zebra crossing
  

• can't make their minds up whether they're going to cross or not, and bob on and off the kerb
  
• walk behind me in car parks, through the space I'm reversing into
  
• press the button on pelican crossings, then nip across the road, leaving the lights to turn red and hold up the traffic with no-one waiting to cross

So, basically what I'm saying is that everybody should get out of my way or better still stay at home and leave the roads to me. After all, I'm a better driver than the rest of you...

By the way - I'm driving the white Rover with the blood stains on it.

Too Much Censorship

Thanks to my brother, I've listened to and become quite a fan of the rapper Eminem.

His lyrics are often explicit and use violent phrases and images, although in just as many tracks he shows either his 'softer' side, or that his hard-core image is somewhat of a front.

Naturally, some of the words he uses are bleeped out of radio edits and on music channels like MTV and The Box, and I can understand this. Recently though, I've noticed a worrying trend to bleep out almost everything.

Take for example his latest release, Stan. It tells the story of an obsessive fan who writes repeatedly to Eminem telling how much he worships the star and how he identifies with him. As time passes and he receives no reply, he sinks deeper into madness, deluded that Eminem is ignoring him, and taking inspiration for his own actions from the rapper's music. Finally, he drives his car off a bridge with his pregnant girlfriend tied up in the trunk, killing them all.

The irony is, Eminem did get Stan's letters but has just been too busy to reply. When he does get round to it, he's asking Stan why he's so mad, and urges his to take care of himself and his girlfriend. He warns that some people do the most horrible things, like driving cars off a bridge with their pregnant girlfriends in the trunk. It's only then that he realises it's too late for a reply...

To me this is a great song and highlights that what Eminem says and does are two very different things, and we shouldn't belive everything on his albums.

On the radio or TV, words like S**t and F**k and Bi*ch are missed out, which is quite right - they are offensive to most people, especially when used 'gratuitously'.

But what about Ass? Is that really so bad? And the line in the song that goes "I'm doing ** on the freeway", where the bleeped word is 90? Will hearing this really encourage kids to drive too fast?

Also, try this for size; "Sometimes I *** myself just to see how much I *****, like adrenaline the ***is such a sudden **** to me" (Insert Cut, Bleed, Pain and Rush). Without this, you don't understand what a looper Stan is becoming. And let's face it, depressed kids who want to *** themselves will do it anyway.

Some edits I've heard miss out the whole reference to Stan's girlfriend being in the trunk, which kind of spoils the whole premise, especially as Eminem directly refers to it in the last verse.

But it goes further - I've noticed that logos and slogans on clothes are being blurred out now, not because they're offensive (which I'd agree with), but because they are brand names. Like Ad*das and N*ke and Chi*ago Bu*ls, and damaging stuff like that. Crazy!

It's An Outrage!!

We can't - and I don't believe we should - protect everyone from everything that they may find offensive in some way, and certainly not when it comes to children.

There's a whole big bad world out there that we're keeping a secret from them. Absolutely bleep out swearing on the radio, but a logo on a shirt? How's that going to help?!

To close on this one, let me go back to Eminem. A lot of people complain that his music promotes violence towards women, because two of his album tracks depict him killing his cheating wife and her lover. Women's groups in Canada tried to get him banned from the country.

I bet they'd let Tom Jones in though, and I bet they'd sing along at the top of their lungs to his timeless hits;Pussycat, Green Green Grass of Home, and Delilah.

Hmm, Delilah.... isn't that the one about Tom's lover cheating on him and their confrontation? The one that goes "I felt the knife in my hand, and she laughed no more".....?

Though so. D'ya see the irony now?

Ridiculous Compensation Claim III

In the run up to Christmas, I've got myself a Saturday job (as well as my main week job) back at one of the WHSmith stores I used to be a manager at.

It's in order to get some extra money for a few things I want to do next year, and it's kinda fun too.

However, we got a phonecall yesterday that I was privy to, from a woman who claimed we had discriminated against her daughter, humiliating her and 'crushing her already low self-esteem'.

And how had we done this? By refusing to sell her an age-restricted video because she didn't look old enough.

Admittedly, it was a 12 certificate, and the girl was actually 16, but if she didn't look old enough, we did the right thing. Trading Standards are very keen to make a fool of High Street stores by sending in underage children to buy things the law doesn't permit, so we are always very vigilant; I've done it myself innumerable times - we even have to keep a register of what we've refused, to whom and why!

Anyway, it seems this particular girl is very short and petite, and her mother claimed we were being 'heightist', or some such nonsense.

Now, I have every sympathy for the girl, as I have always looked much younger than I actually am (product of a stress-free life...!). Up until the age of about 25 I was still sometimes refused entry into clubs, or service at a bar. This year, at age 29, I was even refused service by a barman in Las Vegas, where the drinking age is 21. Half of me was flattered, but half of me was annoyed.

But at the end of the day, he was doing his job. I showed him my passport, and he served me.

The irate mother demanded an apology, which she got from the store manager (who also offered to apologise personally to the girl if she came back in), but this wasn't enough. She was 'looking for some sort of compensation, like a few free videos.'; what she got was a polite refusal and the Head Office address.

It's An Outrage!!

Once again, a lazy person seizing any opportunity to get something for nothing.
Would a few free videos stop it happening again? NO!
Would it be a good idea to carry around some sort of proof of age? YES!!

If she already has low-esteem over this, I suggest it isn't the first time it's happened. Wake up, see the pattern, take a bit of self-responsibility and stop being another blame-culture parasite.

She probably eats at Harry Ramsden's, where crap parent's perpetuate this attitude...

Want to know what the other Ridiculous Compensation Claims were?
Click here for I, and here for II

Where's Our Flood Aid?

Rainfall above twice the normal average and no let up in sight, 52 severe flood warnings in force, hundreds of householders evacuated from their homes, billions of pounds worth of damage done to livestock, property and buildings, livelihoods ruined.

India? South America? Eastern Europe?

Nope, this is Britain.

We're a country under a watery deluge at the moment, and things could get much worse.

But hang on a minute...where's our relief aid money? You know, the stuff we shovel over to just about every other country in the world by the bucketload the moment they hold out their begging cups.

Well, now we're in a spot of bother, and we'd like some of it back please - a bloody lot of it actually, if you don't mind!

Hmm, I can't actually hear anyone asking for it, let alone see anyone digging deep and coughing it up.

Am I being cynical? Are we a soft touch nation? Does anyone even give a toss about us unless they want something?

It's An Outrage!!

It's beginning to feel like we're the parents to a world full of teenagers; throwing good money after bad here, there and everywhere but getting nothing in return.

It's about time we started withholding privileges and smacking arses then...!!

Fuel Stockpilers Should be Shot

I didn't have much to say about the fuel crisis that hit Britain during September (mostly because I was working from home due to a broken ankle, and it all sort of passed me by...), though I was Outraged that no-one seemed to be able to see the futility of the protests.

The current Government is committed to improving the national infrastructure, and as such will use high taxation to raise the necessary funds.
If the tax on fuel is lowered, tax on something else will be raised to compensate. That's simple math's, and I for one would rather be taxed on a commodity that I have a choice about using, rather than on my basic income where I have no options.

Anyway, we're now approaching the protestor's deadline for when fuel tax had to be lowered or they'd be out blockading fuel depots again, and those tax cuts have not been made (though try asking yourself how Shell made earnings of £2.24bn in the last three months, yet the blame is still with our Government...).

So what do the general public do? Panic, and start stockpiling fuel in case there's a shortage later this month. But hang on; if everyone buys twice as much fuel as they normally do, won't this in itself start the shortage? And then, seeing the start of a shortage, won't everyone go out and stockpile more fuel just in case a shortage becomes a drought??

Ever hear of a vicious circle?!

It's An Outrage!!

An emergency law should be passed for filling stations to be policed by the Army, who should be on the lookout for;

• anyone with their tank already more than one quarter full
  

• anyone filling up any sort of container

and upon catching either of these two types of people, would be legally obliged to take them behind a wall and shoot them in the face.

These people are morons, soft-brained sheep, who read the tabloid press and believe everything they see with a terrifying gullibility. They bring about misery and discomfort for the rest of us who are rational, and should be removed from society at the very first opportunity.

The Fuel Crisis - nature's way of suggesting we thin out the crowd.

NTL's Shocking Customer Service

I'm a customer of NTL, taking cable TV, telephone and internet services from them.

They ran up the other day whilst I was out, spoke to my partner and asked if we'd like a second phone line installed for free.

As my partner doesn't pay the bill, but knows we'd use this service, she suggested they call back later when I was in.

The call never came, but two days later I did get a letter thanking me for choosing a second line, and giving the date when an engineer would be arriving to install it .

Somewhat annoyed by this, I called their customer services number, and was put on hold for 45 minutes, at which point I was cut off.

I tried again the next morning at 08:30, but again went into a queue for 30 minutes before I had to hang up and do some work.

I tried emailing the person who sent me the letter, but NTL's standard email format is firstname.lastname@ntl.com; unfortunately, the person who wrote to me had signed his name as S.Masters - so no help there then.

Now, I know someone who is connected in some way to NTL, and he suggests that far from this being a case of under-staffing or high demand for their services, the massive waiting times are in fact a deliberate attempt to reduce NTL's complaint rate statistics.

It's An Outrage!!

By allegedly not answering calls quickly, they hope most callers will give in and hang up, thereby not registering their complaints, thereby reducing NTL's complaint rate and workload.

This is also what they do for people wanting to cancel or reduce the number of TV channels they are subscribed to.

If this is true, it's an absolute crime. But of course, this is currently just hearsay; unless you know differently...